CK2: Maelys the Monstrous, War of the Ninepenny Kings

WARNING: The net is dark and full of spoilers. Read at your own risk.

Basically, Maelys "the Monstrous" Blackfyre is the last male Blackfyre. According to the unreliable narrator (all GoT narrators are unreliable to a degree) whom we hear about him from, he was a grotesque, hunchbacked monstrosity who had a misshapen head budding from his neck.

Since that's a medical impossibility (fetus in fetu is a very rare disease, and doesn't present anywhere close to that) and pretty fking gross, let's just assume that our narrator was biased, and Maelys was merely an ugly hunchbacked dude who may have had an abnormal mass above his right clavicle.

In any case, a bit of backstory here. Daemon Blackfyre was the first Blackfyre, one of the king's bastards. His backers claimed that the real king Daeron II, was actually the product of his mother's adultery. So Daemon led nearly half the kingdom against the Targaryens in the Blackfyre rebellion, but died in battle. Aegor Rivers (Bittersteel) took the remaining Blackfyre claimants east to exile, and formed the Golden Company. Over the next 50 years, they played gadfly to the Targaryens, plotting to take the throne and sending hosts of exiles and mercenaries to lay waste to the Crownlands and battle Targaryen loyalists. But after 3 more rebellions, they had not made any progress.

This is where Maelys Blackfyre comes in. He heads the Golden Company, and forges ties to other exiles, pirates, and mercenaries. His coalition sacks Tyrosh (one of the wealthy city-states of Essos) and sets up Alequo as a puppet despot. For several years, Maelys and his crew are BIG PIMPIN in Tyrosh, banging shawties while they build up their power base. Eventually Maelys hopes he will be strong enough to take King's Landing and put the Blackfyres where they belong.

Unfortunately, King Jahaerys Targaryen II hears about Maelys Blackfyre's BIG PIMPIN, and sends armies to put a stop to it, before the Blackfyres can mount yet another Rebellion. House Tully, Lannister, Arryn, and Baratheon all declare for him.

And this is where we begin: the War of the Ninepenny Kings.

Maelys makes his speech. Our strategy will be to fight a defensive war against Jaeherys II, picking off the stacks he lands in the Stepstones, just as Maelys did historically. Later, we will attack Dragonstone to build our warscore and hopefully kidnap the heir apparent Aerys II and his kid named Rhaegar. And then, we will take the fight to King's Landing itself.

The final part is optional. Some people think it is "gamey" to hide in the Stepstones and pick off Jahaerys II's stacks. It's not though. It's what Maelys did historically, and it's the only way you can defeat an army almost 3 times the size of your's. And remember, Maelys was content to hide in the Stepstones and build his power base until he could defeat the Targaryens. So it's incumbent on the Targaryens to stop us, not the other way around.

But regardless, we WILL zerg King's Landing. Maelys is a BIG PIMP, and big pimpin includes winning in style.

Maelys slaughters the first enemy stack.

And makes another speech.

I've got a friend!

Though I wish he hadn't, his 4K troops just ended up being warscore fodder for the Targaryens.

The Starks declare for the Targaryens...this is bad. I need to win fast. I think they declared after Jahaerys II died. Pre-madness Aerys II is a stronger king than Jahaerys II was.

I'm sending gifts and diplo to Luthor Tyrell in the hopes that he will declare for me (he doesn't). Also notice that I have taken Dragonstone, and am raising the Blackfyre banners above Crownland castles. The Targaryens are hiding in King's Landing, and I hope to draw them out.

I take Cracklaw Point to draw out the Targaryen doomstacks. I guess I COULD have engaged his 23K men in combat, but off-screen, Tywin Lannister has just finished slaughtering House Reyne, and is coming for me while the band plays the newly composed "Rains of Castamere." So we go.

I just loaded the 24K dudes onto the ships and yolocharged King's Landing. If you want to be a bit more sophisticated, you can leave a skeleton force to distract the Targaryens. Or you could do the more reliable method I mentioned earlier, and after taking Dragonstone, hide in the Stepstones while picking off small stacks. But come on, what kind of BIG PIMP chills in a tropical paradise with a harem of nubile, lust-filled women half his age?

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Yeah, I would have lost that battle. But it's too late, Targaryens! Once you have the king captured (and his heir), it's all over.

This screen is your reward for helping Maelys assume his rightful place on the throne.

NOTE: The screen also comes up if you play (f)Aegon VI in A Feast For Crows and take the Iron Throne with him.

All that said, there is one major tragedy in this story I forgot to mention: Maelys Blackfyre's wife (oh yeah, you need to get married and produce children, or the Blackfyre dynasty dies with you and thus you lose). That poor noble girl must have dreamed of a handsome, strapping lord who would love her and cherish her. Instead, she has to lie back and think of the Riverlands while an ugly hunchbacked dude pounds away at her in the time between his battles.

Can't be too fun.